How to buy a house in 43 easy steps

So you’re fed up of renting and want to own a piece of the auld sod but not sure how to go about it? Well, look no further-here is the complete guide to buying a house in Ireland in just 43 easy steps.

Step 1.
Save like a fucker for years.

Step 2.
After viewing many,many houses, make peace with the idea that your budget means your new home will be far away from the epi centre of urban living. I believe the technical term is “out in the sticks.”

Step 3.
Approach lending institutions. Gather a mountain of paperwork including and not limited to what you ate for breakfast every morning for the last 15 years and a record of every financial transaction you have ever made.

Step 4.
Get rejected by the first lending institution,who just happen to be the place you both have been banking at for the last 7 years,due to the fact that the bank don’t like the look of your rent receipts.

Step 5.
Contact landlord and request that rent be paid directly into her account from now on because, and this is important to note,unless you were under any other illusion,banks love electronic transfers. They get a fucking hard on for that kind of shit.

Step 6.
While first bank decides they will need to see 6 months of rent being transferred electronically before they will give you a decision on whether or not they will lend to you, approach other lending institutions.

Step 7.
Once again suffer from papercuts gathering the required amount of documents to prove you are an actual honest to God person with an actual fucking job.

Step 8.
Get approved by second lending institution but not for the amount that you want. It turns out banks give you substantially less of a mortgage when you have kids, which is all kinds of unfair as it’s those kids and their kids and probably their kids also who will still be bailing out the fuckers in years to come.

Step 9.
Approach third lending institution.More fucking paper cuts but hallelujah you get approved for a decent amount of money!

Step 10.
Find house you love. Commit yourself to the notion that you will now be both a culchie and a commuter. Feel a little bit dirty but happy.

Step 11.
Make offer to estate agent that is substantially lower than asking price.

Step 12.
Feign shock when first offer is rejected.Make second offer,which is still quite a few figures away from the asking price.

Step 12.
Rejoice as offer is accepted!!Perform happy dance in the kitchen as second born looks on bemused.

Step 13.
Transfer what is deemed a small deposit to seller’s account in order to secure the property. Shed a little tear as you realise how many pairs of shoes you could buy with that small deposit.

Step 14.
Inform bank of your desired place of dwelling. Wait for them to send out expert to ascertain that chosen dwelling does indeed exist and you have not fabricated it in order to get large amount of cash just to spend on shoes.

Step 15.
Hand over hundreds to surveyor in order for him to ascertain that house is structurally sound enough that it will not fall down the minute you put the key in the door.

Step 16.
Contact builder in relation to some “mild issues” raised in report such as water ingress in chimneys and blocked gutters. Accept completely that house is a solid build based on two minute conversation with a sound lad. Consider the fact that taking what a “sound lad” says at face value is probably the reason why the country is shagged but carry on regardless.

Step 17.
Get official loan offer letter from bank. Note that loan offer is only valid for 3 months but laugh to yourself and think you’ll be in well before then.

Step 18.
Get a solicitor.Preferably a family member who will do the work for free.

Step 19.
Wait for contracts to be sent from seller’s solicitors.

Step 20.
Wait some more.

Step 21.
Wait some more.

Step 22.
Accept part time hours at work after years of trying to secure them in order to have a better quality of family life. Realise that your revised salary means you will not get the same amount of finance should the loan offer expire. Start to feel a little stressed.

Step 23.
Approximately 4 weeks before your loan offer is due to expire, get on to your solicitor to find out what the hold up is. Discover that the people who are selling you the house are going through a very nasty divorce and that they are only communicating through their solicitors, one of which is based in Galway, the other in Castlebar. Feel more stressed.

Step 24.
Discover that the management company in charge of your would be estate has gone into receivership. Watch as the bank FREAKS OUT over this and your own stress levels hit overdrive.

Step 25.
Discover that the management company is not actually in receivership. Relax as blood pressure decreases.

Step 26.
Arrange home and life insurance. Take issue with bank over the estimated rebuild amount they would like you to have insured the property for. Argue that €425,000 seems like a rather excessive rebuild figure given that you’re paying less than half that amount for the house and land combined. Realise they will not back down and pay very expensive home insurance.

Step 27.
Go to solicitors to sign contracts 2 weeks before loan offer runs out. Wonder how many trees had to die in order for these contracts to be made.

Step 28.
Feel confident in solicitor’s issue of ultimatum to sellers that sale must be closed 3 days before loan offer expires.

Step 29.
Watch as ultimatum is ignored.

Step 30.
Get loan offer extended for one month!

Step 31.
Hallelujah!Rejoice as sellers finally sign contracts. Wait for bank to show you the money.

Step 32.
Receive call from solicitor stating that bank is waiting on copy of mortgage protection policy documents in order to release the funds.

Step 33.
Ring life insurance company who say they have sent on a copy of the mortgage protection policy to the bank’s head office.

Step 34.
Ring bank who confirm receipt of policy schedule but then advise they require a notice of assignment letter. Fail to understand what this means but feel confident that insurance company will know exactly what they are asking for.

Step 35.
Cry profusely as insurance company admit they do not have the foggiest idea what you are on about.

Step 36.
Ring bank back and find out what a notice of assignment form is. Discover it is a form that registers a bank’s interest in the mortgage protection policy. Go to local branch to fill one out. Send to life insurance company who then register bank’s interest and issue ANOTHER letter stating that bank is now registered on policy and their loan is fully protected should either you or our partner croak it.

Step 37.
Get choked up at the thought of your hypothetically orphaned kids being left alone in the big new house.

Step 38.
Receive call from solicitor stating that all documents have been received by bank.

Step 39.
48 hours later, receive text message from bank to state that funds have been released.

Step 40.
Receive phone call from solicitor stating that she has transferred funds to seller’s account, all closing documents have been received and that you are now the proud owner of a pile of bricks and mortar!Do super mega happy dance in front of bewildered children.

Step 41.
Go to auctioneer’s to pick up keys only 8 months after you started the mortgage process.

Step 42.

Crack open the bubbles.

Step 43.

Enjoy the next 30 odd years of debt.



You Baby Me Mummy

14 thoughts on “How to buy a house in 43 easy steps

  1. Congratulations on your new home. I can only imagine how frustrating the process must have been. But the humour you have found through the process is wonderful. Great piece!

    May your home be filled with joy, happiness and memories for ever after.

  2. This is brilliant. We’re currently going through the selling/buying process and it’s such an arse ache. We’re currently at the wait around for stuff to happen phase.


  3. This is hilariously funny, and all too accurate!! I’m in the process at the moment of selling my house but going into rented for a while, so the rest of the fun is to come! #TheListLinky

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *