The procrastinator’s guide to handing in an assignment

Part of the plan for #Make2015mybitch saw me re-entering third level education as a *cough!* mature student. Yes, I’m back in the University of Limerick as a full time student! Reality, how’d you like dem apples?? Some things have changed drastically in the intervening 12 years since I last skipped out of college clutching a swollen liver in one hand and a pretty useless Humanities degree in the other.


Going to college first time around, my personal grooming was immaculate. Make up perfect, each outfit carefully chosen and hair always styled. These days I’m lucky if I remember to check my clothes for any toddler puke or snot trails. Make up doesn’t get a look in! Ditto hair-just scrunch some product in it and I’m out the door. College second time round has me very well acquainted with the library-a place I had never even set foot in before the final exams of my degree. Then there is my 100% attendance of lectures this time around. It’s like I actually want to learn!!

Mais plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. 

But as the last leaves fall from the trees, I’m reminded that some things never change, including my round the clock thirst for pints and craic ( is there a better way to pass any time of day than shooting the shit with like minded individuals over tasty alcoholic beverages?) and my procrastinating state of mind. Here is the Procrastinators 50 step guide to handing in an assignment.

Step 1-Put on the kettle.

Step 2- Raid the remnants of the year’s Halloween candy.

Step 3- Make a cuppa.

Step 4- Get comfortable.

Step 5- Read the assignment.

Step 6- Make another cuppa.

Step 7- Check Facebook.

Step 8- Check submission date for assignment.

Step 9-Make list of Christmas presents to be bought.

Step 10-Make a cuppa.

Step 11-Raid husband’s secret chocolate stash.

Step 12-Print out assignment instructions as too much screen time is giving you a headache.

Step 13-Check Facebook.

Step 14-Highlight key information on assignment print out.

Step 15-Spend the next hour rubbing out highlighter toddler doodles from every wall surface in your house.

Step 16-Recheck submission date. Put this into Google Calendar.

Step 17-Print out month when assignment is due from Google Calendar. Circle submission date.

Step 18- Check Facebook.

Step 19-Message classmate to see if they’ve started assignment yet. If they respond positively, proceed to step 20, if not, stare into space for an undeterminable time.

Step 20-Make a cuppa. Open new pack of biscuits.

Step 21-Go to library. Take out a load of books to help complete assignment. Never read them.

Step 22-Look up Ryanair website for cheap flights when last assignment has been handed in.

Step 23-Freak out that you won’t be able to complete this or any other assignments on the course. Head to shop for more junk food to calm your nerves.

Step 24-Start assignment.

Step 25-Reward your first 500 words with an extra big cup of tea and first three episodes of Jessica Jones.

Step 26-Check Facebook.

Step 27- Check submission date again. Divide days left by remaining word count.

Step 28-Finish first season of Jessica Jones.

Step 29- Spell check assignment.

Step 30- Wonder will new Star Wars films be any good. Spend next half hour having Harrison Ford on a loop in your head proclaiming “You can type this shit George, but you just can’t say it.” Wonder if George Lucas  handed in his assignments on time.

Step 31-Spell check the assignment. Move some paragraphs around.

Step 32-Write another 500 words. Re read opening 500 words and realise they’re absolute muck so delete as appropriate.

Step 33- Write blog post about procrastinating about handing in an assignment.

Step 34- Browse Netflix trying to fill the Jessica Jones shaped hole in your life. FYI-Daredevil is NOT the answer!!

Step 35- Complete first draft of the assignment.

Step 36-Congratulate yourself by having a night out.

Step 37-Remember that hangovers in your 30s are so much worse than those of your 20s and lose a whole 24 hours as you go into recovery mode.

Step 38-Ask lecturer for an extension.

Step 39- Complete 2nd draft of assignment.

Step 40- Spend 3 days doing your bibliography cos Harvard referencing makes NO sense and was created by sadomasochists.

Step 41-Spell check the assignment.

Step 42-Move some paragraphs around.

Step 43-Make a cuppa.

Step 44-48-Spell check the assignment.

Step 49-Submit assignment.

Step 50-Breathe!


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